The mysterious trauma

Well the past few days have been interesting to say the least
My oldest is 3 years in remission from a rare pediatric cancer called Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis. He also had a 2nd form of histiocytosis called Juvenile Xanthogranuloma. As our oncologist said he is the rarest of the rare.
Parenting him is different.
Every bump, every pain cauded me to have an internal panic attack while putting on the mask to him that it's fine it's no big deal. All while doing a mental calculation of the symptoms and trying to add up could this be "it"? Is "it" back?
Anyways he had surgery a month ago for a common medical condition in boys.
Pathology came back fine it wasn't histiocytosis just a thing.
Recovery went well and he got the all clear to resume normal activity.
But he started having pain more and more in his knee.
Sunday he complains more and shows me his knee it's painful and swollen.
Internal panic attack and I have to decide who do I want to go to.
Option 1 primary care dr. Option 2 oncologist but they are in dc so not exactly close Option 3  orthopedics Or option 4 er at Hopkins where he did his chemotherapy and where his ortho is
Well option 4 it was and I juggled coverage for the other 3 kids to get him to the er Monday morning
After 9 hours, blood work, iv, xray and mri as well as visits by 4 drs, 3 medical students and 2 nurses. He was diagnosed with a old dislocation of the knee and a tear in the ligament next to the knee
They grilled me on when this "trauma" took place. I have no clue and they have a theory that it occurred during surgery.
Fitted for a knee brace and crutches and home we go.....
Well not for long
Wednesday morning I notice the knee is more swollen. Call ortho....no call back... shocker.
Send Casey to school until I hear from the Dr.
School calls at 130. Knee is bulging out of knee brace so much his veins are popping out
Get him picked up at school. Once again juggle the other kids and back to the Dr we go.
This visit was a quick one only 6 hours. 4 more drs though, 1 medical student and 2 more nurses.
This time it's decided the knee cap is sliding all around in the brace because it's too big
Fitted for smaller brace and sent home.
New ortho thinks it occurred during positioning in surgery.
Followup with ortho specialist on this kind of issue next Wednesday

At this point I don't care when it happened.
I just want him fixed.
I'm glad that 8 drs and 4 medical students have all been educated on histiocytosis. But really enough is enough. I don't want to be a side show In the er where we are a learning case for every medical student and doctor to ask me the same questions over and over. I do get that we are the living breathing example of a medical condition drs only read about and never see but even Casey commented on when.we're they going to stop asking about histiocytosis when there is a thing called Google.
Never a dull.moment around here 

Parenting....not like I imagined it

When I was a little girl I dreamed of being a mom.
2 kids a boy and a girl. Always neat, clean, smiling and well behaved children I would love so much.
When I had my first son I immediately fell in love
That love I imagined it was real. But those imaginary kids not so much.
I never imagined sleepless nights
I never imagined children who could make me so frustrated with temper tantrums
I never imagined parenting a sick child. Rushing them to the er for a mysterious illness.
I never imagined watching Drs wheel my child into an operating room
I never just imagined fighting over homework
I never imagined juggling multiple children
I never realised how your love could be equal but so different for each child
I never understood the guilt I would experience when  I had to give one attention while the other cried for me
I never thought that I could feel like I was failing my children and celebrating there accomplishments all in the safe second.

The motherhood of my imagination was easy and simple.
It wasn't complicated by bills, by jobs, by sick children.
The motherhood dream of a little girl vanished the second I gave birth.
It was replaced with a battle everyday.
A battle to keep my kids healthy, to keep them safe, to make them decent adults one day, to make them feel loved.
Motherhood isn't like I imagined it. It's better and harder and more real.
And something that I am so lucky to experience 4 times over. But man it's not like I imagined.

The battle of the grout

We moved into our current home 5.5 months ago.
Since we have moved in I have adjusted to cleaning/organizing a  home significantly larger than our old one (we gained almost 1000 more square feet)
But the biggest battle has been the tile grout.
Who in there right mind puts light tan grout on a kitchen floor???
I have scrubbed on my hands and knees
I have searched pinterest for the miracle cure to clean this darn grout
When punished I have made the kids scrub the grout
I've tried grout cleaners, bleach pen, oxiclean, baking soda, dawn, you name it
And I have finally won the stinking war???

With what.....
Go gone grout cleaner http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/1/1/171156-goo-gone-grout-clean-restore-28-ounce-spray-bottle.html

And a Rubbermaid reveal scrubber http://www.amazon.com/Rubbermaid-1839685-Reveal-Power-Scrubber/dp/B00BEUDWJQ

If you have horribly dirty grout I suggest these 2.

Tired is an understatement

Ask any mother what her biggest complaint is
It's that we are tired
Not sleepy like children
But bone crushingly, want to curl up in our bed and sleep forever tired
Why???
I get a decent amount of sleep each night
Oh yeah it's because I have kids
Kids just suck the life out of you
From the minute I wake up I do not stop
Someone always needs me to do something, to fix something, to help, to heal
That constant needy feeling....that's the reason I'm tired
Every ounce of energy is sucked right out of me from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep
But as much as that exhausted feeling stinks
I wouldn't change it
I accept it
This is the badge of motherhood
Being tired is an understatement
I will take wiping noses, doing Laundry and unexpected hugs and kisses
And with each sleepy step I take... my heart is full because I created this tiredness with each sweet baby we brought home from the hospital
I am so very lucky to be so tired

The more things change the more they stay the same

This past weekend we got a much needed break from the 4 crazy kids
We were traveling to the outer banks to attend the wedding of one of my oldest friends
We had decided to stay in a house with several of our friends from college
I was nervous as what would it be like all these people some we hadn't seen in years
But there it was.....it was just like we were 18 again
It was just easy
And then I realised
These friendships they don't require the work adult friendships due
We have seen each other at our most foolish
We know  the young us
The ones without the pressures of mortgages, health concerns or kids
We just relaxed and enjoyed that brief moment to go back in time
To be the younger more carefree versions of ourselves
The wedding was amazing.
The groom has been my friend for 18 years.
He was there to hold my hair during my not so glamorous moments in college
And to help me walk down the aisle to marry Jeff
I was untraditional before it was a regular thing
Having a male of honor was one of the most special parts of my wedding
And watching him marry his bride this weekend brought it full circle for me
Now I got to watch him experience that special joy I got to have almost 15 years ago
I wish him and his new family many many years of health and happiness
I just hope that these easy friendships continue the rest of our lives
We may not see each other often but each person has had and will continue to have a special place in my heart for all they have added to it over these many years.

Feeling Helpless

I am type A
Wait make that TYPE A in all caps
I like things a certain way
I like to feel in control all the time
The one thing to set me off more than anything is to feel helpless
When I think about that, it honestly makes me shudder
Like in the movies that fake shudder people do
I really do that
Being type A I don't allow myself to have this opportunity to be helpless often
I'm a fixer
I will figure out a way to fix whatever is wrong
But life well it's messy and unpredictable and I'm not always in control
Take yesterday
My husband has complained about tooth pain off and on forever
He hates the dentist always has since he was little
Not that I'm a fan....takes Valium for me to get in the chair (remember that thing about me needing to be in control)
Anyways I found a new dentist a year and half ago
She's great no judgement just solutions
She's patient (yes I'm such a baby that my cleanings take 2 visits)

Any who as usual I'm off track that's a problem of mine.....you will soon just accept that as a fun quirk....or you will forever be annoyed....your choice

Back to the husband he has been in agony for a week
Finally makes it to the dentist
His poor tooth was broken in pieces and needed to come out
The awesome dentist could do it same day
Problem is Novocaine didn't work perhaps because of nerves or because the tooth was in pieces....He said he felt everything
So home with his 4 prescriptions and to bed
Looking at him I had to fight back tears
That helpless feeling
It's all consuming
I would take his pain
I would do anything to fix that for him
I lectured a little
I did a I told you so
All so maybe he will do better and see the dentist more
To save him and to save myself from having to see his pain
Well this pain anyways

I always try and remember life takes us on different journeys
It's  not always sunshine and roses
But with me along that journey I know ill be busy trying to fix that broken road

My First Time

That title sounds scandalous....like I'm about to share a deep dark secret.
But alas this isn't that interesting........just here with my very first blog post.
I've said for years I was going to write a book
Or tell my story on some Oprah special lol
But then it never happened....maybe because I'm not sure I'm as interesting as I imagine I am
Plus I've been too busy
Im always too busy
Everything comes first
That's what happens when you become a parent.
I'm not sure if my story is interesting or funny or sad...I know it's something
But it's my journey
One I've been on longer than most
So here this is my first step
To share my life and my experience with you all
As I continue on Parenting the Odd Years