Parenting....not like I imagined it

When I was a little girl I dreamed of being a mom.
2 kids a boy and a girl. Always neat, clean, smiling and well behaved children I would love so much.
When I had my first son I immediately fell in love
That love I imagined it was real. But those imaginary kids not so much.
I never imagined sleepless nights
I never imagined children who could make me so frustrated with temper tantrums
I never imagined parenting a sick child. Rushing them to the er for a mysterious illness.
I never imagined watching Drs wheel my child into an operating room
I never just imagined fighting over homework
I never imagined juggling multiple children
I never realised how your love could be equal but so different for each child
I never understood the guilt I would experience when  I had to give one attention while the other cried for me
I never thought that I could feel like I was failing my children and celebrating there accomplishments all in the safe second.

The motherhood of my imagination was easy and simple.
It wasn't complicated by bills, by jobs, by sick children.
The motherhood dream of a little girl vanished the second I gave birth.
It was replaced with a battle everyday.
A battle to keep my kids healthy, to keep them safe, to make them decent adults one day, to make them feel loved.
Motherhood isn't like I imagined it. It's better and harder and more real.
And something that I am so lucky to experience 4 times over. But man it's not like I imagined.